Monday, November 7, 2011

Selfish- (adj.) devoted or caring only for oneself

Any other parents out there feel like they never knew how selfish they were until they had children?  Parenthood required selfLESSness and at times everything in me baulks at the task.
This morning Ava asked me if she could have some tea (she likes to drink tea with me).  Because it was time to go to school, I told her, "It's time to go to school now, but when you come home, you and I can have special time.  We'll have tea and then I'll do your nails."  She, of course, was elated.

I guarantee you she did not forget my promise.  Not only did she not forget, she quite obviously looked forward to it all morning while in school.  When I picked her up, she could talk of nothing else on the way home.  This small promise was filling her love tank, making her feel special and loved.  She wanted nothing more than to spend the afternoon with her mom.

I wish I could say I felt the same.  By the time I picked her up from school and finished lunch, I was exhausted.  She wanted nothing more than to talk and hang out.  I wanted nothing more than a nap.  I had to fight with myself to do the right thing, to stay present, to listen as she talked and talked and talked and to ask her engaging questions.  I had to fight to make the afternoon as special as she had built it up in her head to be.  I had to fight to chose what was more important, what was right.

I did enjoy my afternoon with Ava, but it wasn't easy.  I wish it were different.  I would think three children and almost 6 years into this parenting thing, my struggle with selfishness were over.  It's not.  I have set times for "me"...1-3 every afternoon and 7-9 pm every evening (and the evening time is actually set aside for Marc and I, so really the only "me" time is 1-3).  Part of that time, no most of that time, is spent on laundry, vacuuming, and dishes, but it's still time I'm alone with my thoughts.  How painful it is for me to let "MY" time go.  All I can think right now is "Lord, please fill me with more of your spirit.  Give me joy in self sacrifice."  I have a five year old whose heart is overflowing because her mama simply took one on one time to paint her fingers and easy it is on one hand to minister to her heart and how hard it was on the other to let go of self.  Oh!  that I will find the choice ever easier and every more obvious to make; How thankful I am that for today, I made the right choice and was able to love my little princess as God would have me love her.

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