Monday, April 13, 2015

Thankful for each moment

Last week on vacation, we had quite a scare.  Our little man followed his big brother and sister toward the deep end of the pool.  They had no idea he was following them.  I saw him head after them from my lawn chair and I immediately got up to bring him his arm floaties.  I called, he didn't hear me.  By the time I got to the side of the pool, I saw him panic and go under right before my eyes.  I've read kids drown silently and now I know exactly what that means.  I literally saw him reach the point where he was over his head, he bobbed up with the most panic look on his face as he realized there was no one near to help and he just went almost flaccid and went under.  There was no call for help, no frantic splashing. I jumped in immediately of course and pulled him out.  He was fine; there was not even choking or gagging.  He's been in swim lessons for over a year and he held his breath instinctually as he went under.  He's been taught to reach for the side if he falls in, infact, he actually had enough ability to swim there, but he didn't have the confidence and he absolutely panicked and frozen.  I grabbed him right out, He clung to me and cried.  It was so frightning, we had to tackle some fear to get back in the water.  I don't think he'll go out after the older kids again.

I had nightmares all week.  What if I'd waited just a little longer to get up? He'd been told not to go past a certain point, what if I waited to see if he'd obey and turn around?  What if I was reading and missed seeing it all together?  I am one hundred percent confident that God prompted me to get up immediately.  I literally got there with no time to spare.  I just couldn't shake what a close call we endured.

I realized one morning after many restless nights and bad dreams, I had to release my fear.  It was consuming my nights and any quiet moment.  I just kept seeing the panicked look on his face and the way he just went under so quickly.  The truth is though that there are probably a million close calls with my kids that I am unaware of.  God is so gracious in his protection.  He sees things I miss ALL the time.  I am imperfect and there are plenty of times I am too laid back about things, plenty of times I DO wait just a moment before acting.  Each day I have with my children is not evidence of my awesome protection but God's.  I had to sit before him and surrender my fear and the what if's.  I cannot protect my children all the time.  I'll miss things.  It's the awareness of my own weakness and inability that ultimately was paralyzing me.  I had to recognize that God DID prompt me to get up immediately.  He DID protect Christian.  I fail daily and no matter how hypervigilent I become, no matter how much sleep I lose, or how many scenarios I prepare for, I may still fail, because I am human.  They have plenty of cuts and bruises to prove that!  I have to surrender and trust my kids to God.  I have to trust him with me.  I have to trust that even if something ever does happen to my kids  or to me or Marc(entirely possible as we live in a world with a gazillion and one dangers), he'll be enough.  Tomorrow is not guaranteed to any of us.  Death and pain are no respector of age or ability. I can live my life paralyzed by what if's or release them and rejoice in what is.  I can waste moments with them frantically fearfully or embrace the gift of each day.