Friday, April 8, 2011

Heavy Heart

I had a bad dream last night. It doesn't happen to me often, so it's really stayed with me this morning. I can't even call it a nightmare necessarily; I had a dream that I had another miscarriage. What's weird is that a) I am not pregnant (yes I am sure) and b) I haven't had a miscarriage in three years and have had two healthy babies since then. I've been trying to ponder what triggered the dream cuz it's thrown me on an emotional roller coaster!

Tuesday night in bible study we were discussing Psalm 139. Our leader had a recent U/S picture of her baby granddaughter and we talked about God knitting us in our mothers wombs and how he knows all our days and has known them since we were first conceived. He knew our personalities, our passions, etc. I had a fleeting thought as she was speaking re. God knowing our two lost babies so well and me not even knowing their names, characteristics, etc.

I suppose this bothered me more than I realized. My dream replayed the emotions I experienced with both of my miscarriages. At first it was surreal. Almost hard to grasp. It was weird. I didn't shed a tear with the first one until I stood up from a toilet filled with blood and tissue and couldn't bring myself to flush. The physical pain couldn't compare to the emotional pain I felt in the moment. It is still so vivid. I remember I kept saying to Marc, "I don't know what to do. I don't have a choice, but how can a mom flush her baby down the toilet." The second time we miscarried I was instructed to bring the tissue into the lab. It was just traumatic. What do you put it in? The only disposable and clean container we had was a brand new spiderman tupperware. How crazy is that. You put your hopes and dreams in spider tuperware. That brought tears, let me tell you. Then I went to the lab and the doctors orders hadn't come through on the fax. I was trying to explain to the lab technician what the OB had told me and when she finally understood she exclaimed loudly enough for the others in the waiting room to hear, "WHAT?! you have fetal tissue in that bag?!" I remained calm, got through the waiting for her to call the doctor; I sat still as she drew my blood. I doubt she remembers her rudeness. I wish I could back and describe to her what I felt like so she would know to never treat someone so fragile like that again. Thankfully Marc's arms were strong enough to hold me when I returned.

God is good. I learned a lot through that time. I thought I was past it and I am past it. I am so thankful for the two subsequent children he's given us. I never imagined I'd experience feelings of grief again for children I'd never really known, but last night and still this morning I am feeling the loss. My dream was so vivid. In my dream, I didn't want to deal with the loss so I kept the tissue in a box in my room until Marc finally took care of it. Crazy and unrealistic at is was but I woke up at 3am in tears and unable to shake the sadness.

Life is full of loss. We lose love ones, we lose hopes and dreams. I am so thankful for a God who keeps each one of my tears in a bottle and is the keeper of my hopes, dreams, and heart.


  1. Praying for you Kimmy. You may not have known their names, you may not have known the feeling of them in your arms, you may not have known them, but they were still your children. I was with Renee when she lost Matthew (3rd of the 4 they lost) it was so traumatic for me - I can't imagine being the mom and dad. Try thinking of the wonderful care they are getting in heaven, even better than we could give them on earth. Both Grandma and Grandpa Roue said that the hardest thing they ever did was bury a child. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you make your way through this.

    Aunt Judy

  2. What pain, Kim! I'm so sorry you had to experience that again! Praying for God to restore you today and meet you right where you are...

  3. Praying for you today. Much love.

  4. Your blog posts prompts me to say many things. But I'll spare you and just say the most obvious thing to me. Grief and other things. We deal with them. We put them down. Sometimes we pick them back up and look at them. I think it's healthy (oddly). Sounds like you picked up that moment and looked at it. Hope the sunshines helps. I'm sorry for your losses.

  5. Kim-this made me want to cry, i am sorry you had to go thru all of that (esp. the rude tech- insane) but I also knwo He has and will continue to use it in yoru life to bring glory to His name so even in yoru sadness we can priase Him. Love you sister!

  6. Kim, I have no words except to say thank you for being so honest and open about your experiences, your losses, and your pain. I just cannot imagine...

  7. Kim,

    My eyes are brimming, my heart is aching and my head is nodding.

    Thank you for sharing, you are a dear kindred spirit!