I have virtually been a mental basket case of late;) Somehow, life just kind of got out of control! My in laws visit was wonderful but it kind of threw off our regular rhythm and was then followed immediately by two weekends away. Lots of good things but little time to process and little time to get done the necessary.
I found myself paralyzed with anxiety at the end of last week. I felt my "to do" list every growing and was so overwhelmed I wanted to hide from life. Our schedule was still jam packed and I found myself wondering how I had let life so quickly get out of control.
I did the first thing I could on Thursday afternoon- I napped. Granted it, it didn't knock anything off the "to do" list, but I remembered clearly our old pastor saying, "sometimes the most holy thing you can do is take a nap." I don't know if the exercise was holy or a mild moment of depression, but it felt heavenly. Friday morning, after realizing I was being a negative Nelly with friends, I took some time to listen to God instead of letting my thoughts spiral out of control and frantically try to outpace my ever racing heart.
God gave me a picture of myself bending over with my head in the sand. I was pounding at the sand with my fists because I couldn't breathe and all the while God's hand was there to help me pull my head up and realize there was oxygen all around if only I quit focusing on all the sand.
Amazingly, things are getting done, but what I have been trying to process is how to prioritize life a bit better. I am making friends here and I REALLY like friends. Yet part of me is still frantically striving to build these friendships instead of relaxing and letting God take the lead! I am worried, wasting mental energy, fretting about who I forgot to call or email, etc. It's like I'm stuck on this treadmill and just needed to get off. He has blessed me and somehow in the last month I have forgotten that and felt the need to do it all myself!
I was freakin' out about weight loss because I am actually AT the weight I was when I got pregnant with Ava but still a size bigger. I know I need to exercise, but where to fit it in?
In all my fretting and pacing, what is most important was getting completely lost. First, my spiritual health is paramont. What good is strengthening a body if my soul is getting weak? What good is focusing on myself if God is getting put on the back burner in the process? Second, time with my family is more important than any "to do".
I believe a clean house is important but it has it's place. Friday evening we hosted small group. Amazingly I had the house cleaned in time- well, maybe not so amazing since my wonderful husband came home at 3pm and took the kids to the park so I could finish up;) All of a sudden a clean house made life seem calm. I realized my "to do" list wasn't so long. Living in a state of chaos just doesn't work for me...or my husband for that matter. What I need to learn to do, however, is find the balance. I hate mess of any kind. I can downright destroy fun if I am feeling OCD about the house.
Though I completely didn't deserve it, I know God helped me on Saturday morning. We had a couple hours here before heading down to Chicago for a birthday party, I had big plans for getting things done, but then my daughter asked me to curl her hair. In that moment, the Spirit held my eyes wide open and I knew laundry could wait. I spent an hour curling Ava's hair and the smile on her face was priceless. How thankful I am that God cares enough to make sure I didn't miss that! But to be honest, I know without a doubt there are countless moments I have squandered in the name of clean dishes or folded laundry. Time with my children is fleeting and I can be so easily deceived into believing little things don't matter; Ava was filled with gratitude that I curled her hair. That hour mattered greatly to her...my "to do"s were pushed back a day and didn't seem to mind one bit!
So here is the bottom line- I have some reprioritizing to do. We just happen to be leaving for Club Med on Friday. YAY! for vacation (not just vacation, but vacation that includes childcare)! I cannot wait to sit by the pool, but more importantly I cannot wait to spend EXTENDED time with Jesus asking him to help me get my heart in line with his heart. I want to do a good job at this homemaking thing. I want to please my husband and make his heart glad when he is with me. Sometimes life just clouds my vision. Oh, that I would be still and hear the voice of God leading me moment by moment, day by day...whether life is busy and chaotic or slow and peaceful. Oh that my focus will not be on sand, but on the God who is willing to take me by the hand and lead me.
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