Tuesday, September 8, 2009

My Emotions are on the first hill of the worlds biggest roller coaster....

I dropped off Ava for her first FULL day of preschool today. I am quite nervous to see how it goes...and I have quite a few hours to wait. I am realizing today how emotionally schizophrenic motherhood can be! I am THRILLED to have a bit of extra time at home. Phin still naps twice a day, so I'll have time to really spend with the Lord and time to get stuff done around the house. This feel luxurious and I am just enamored. At the same time, I have knots in my tummy wondering if Ava will do fine being at school ALL day. Will she nap? Will she miss us?

The past four or so days, she's been extremely emotional. We've dealt with temper tantrums and crying. This is not usual for Ava. She gets cranky when she's tired or sick, but neither seem to be the cause. It seems she is adjusting to change. Apparently, she has said, "I miss mommy." to Marc when I am just in another room. That makes me a little sad. I know I am a huge source of security for her at this age, so I wonder if knowing I am not going to be around two days makes her feel insecure? Last night we was excited about starting school, but then she said, "I don't like school. No, I do like school." Hmmm. Perhaps she likes it but is still uncomfortable with change? I am like that many times.

She thankfully was not emotional this morning. We had a completely stress free morning and she even got to play with her barbies for a few minutes before we had to leave. She sought out girls on the playground who she didn't know without any hesitation. She has good social skills and I was proud watching her. She'll be fine, I am sure.

Still, I sit here conflicted. Do other moms feel this way? I watched a mom in the nursery on Sunday, whose son is having SEVERE separation anxiety. I mean SCREAMING by the church gate, unwilling to let anything or anyone distract him. He wanted mommy. She left for a while and checked back. She tried staying a bit, but he wouldn't even play unless she was RIGHT by him. Now, I don't know how she was feeling, but I know I would be annoyed and actually a little angry, but at the same time feeling like sheltering and holding and lovin' on this little boy. I have been completely outraged with Ava's tantrums of late and at the same exact moment felt like I want to just hold her and take away all the emotions shes trying to juggle. Those two things are hard to reconcile in those moments of stress. AH! and I am supposed to teach my child how to juggle, handle her emotions?! Good thing she can't read my mind- what it do to her security to know I am actually just as out of control as she is?

1 comment:

  1. Well said/written. The roller coaster of emotions in sending them to preschool...please, tell me it will be better for college.?! I'd like to say that it gets better with each child.:) I dropped by preschool today a little early to check on McKenna & Caleb (they always end the day on the playground). What I saw broke my heart and made me proud at the same time. All the bikes were taken and Caleb was walking around with his hands on his hips pouting. McKenna saw him and gave up her bike so that he could ride. So proud of her....so clueless as to what to do with him. I've been on my knees praying for wisdom.... Sorry this comment is so long. You're post hit close to home.