B-O-N-K-E-R-S

I am grumpy today. G-R-U-M-P-Y! I love my children, but today is a "I might go bonkers" day. My son is 11 months and I am terming this the "love-hate" stage. He is doing so many things that are just flippin' adorable: using sign language a bit, waving, giving high fives, finding his sister hilarious, playing "godzilla" at his train table. The problem is that this cuteness and pure annoying behavior is occuring simutaneously. He is at the "why dont' I cry every time mommy walks out of the room" AND when mom IS in the room "why don't I hang on her leg if she tries to do ANYTHING other that give me her undivided attention while I play" stage. These two stages happening at once lead to an emotional rollercoaster for me. One minute I am thinking "this kid is the CUTEST kid EVER" and the next I am thinking "if this little booger does not let go of my leg he just might get kicked." (caveat- I would never actually KICK my child- but that doesn' t mean I don't have that urge when he is hanging on my calf...don't judge me;P )

My daugher is doing her own emotional somersaults. She says HILARIOUS things. She does ADORABLE things like yesterday- she was muttering to herself on the way to school and I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Oh I am just praying for our days, mommy." She is very capable and can do many things on her own. Unfortunately, she is also experiencing complete emotional extremes. She can go from adorable to nightmare is 0.4 seconds flat....leaving her family in her wake looking at each other, saying "what the heck just happened!" I read books- I know what is going on: she struggling with getting older, but still feeling like she needs her mommy. She is going to school where everything is controlled, so she tries to challenge everything at home. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH! I guess that knowledge does help a parent have a bit of compassion and composure but truly it doesn't keep you from needing chocolate indulgences and a good scream yourself now and then.

I haven't been feeling great this week, as well. Monday Marc came home from work early so I could take a nap and a hot bath. I had to laugh when at the end of an AFTERNOON (not a DAY, mind you- an AFTERNOON!), he proclaimed "I am so glad I get to go to work tomorrow." You have to laugh so you don't cry. I love my kids, but tomorrow, you might find ME hanging on Marc's leg and whining "don't leave me!"

Yep- bonkers. I may go bonkers...though one could argue I'm already there;)

People TYPICALLY throw shells away, right?

My sister just returned from atttending a funeral. She said something that really stuck with me. "I was reminded that our bodies really are just shells. Once the spirit is gone, we almost look plastic and so unlike ourselves." I know this to be true. How often have I left a funeral home after a viewing and thought "I could hardly recognize them". People really ARE much more than our exterior. WHO we are comes through in expressions, actions, personality and THAT is what people know and love. Peanuts have shells- they get thrown on the floor in restaurants. No one cares if they are misshapen or even ugly, they care if there are yummy peanuts inside!

It been really nagging at me today because I recently have been frustrated with the ups and downs of post pregnancy weight loss. It has been difficult for me to lose weight and to find time for work outs and such. It's hard to maintain motivation and push through to get back the "body" I want. What I realize today is that I've lost focus of what is important. Yes, we should be good stewards of the bodies we're given, but we should NOT define ourselves by it. My beauty is not based on how sexy the world thinks I am or on whether or not I took the time to blow dry my hair. I want to be beautiful on the inside. I want to be a blessing to others and to spend energy investing in what is important- eternity, others, love.

My body is just a shell; a shell that will die and disinigrate. My soul and spirit are really "who" I am. I want to invest my energies there!

Marc and I got married at twenty three. We had 500 dollars in our savings account and my grocery budget was a whopping $150/month. We were blissfully happy, but we were not swimming in cash. While we would have loved great furniture, we had to settle with making a hodge podge of items look somewhat attractive. At that time, I had dreams of someday affording new furniture. I was certain we'd arrive home from long days at work, unlock the front door of our home and walk into the pages of pottery barn magazine.

We did slowly purchase new items, but what my dreams failed to take into consideration was the arrival of children coinciding with our increasing income. The home I thought would look like magazine perfection is filled with....kids stuff.

When you have an infant, you can hide certain things and for a short time you have a sense of pride that YOU have managed to so smartly purchase just the right items so that when you want to hide them you can make your home looked like a baby has never been there. The problem is slowly you accumulate more stuff. You experience more christmases, more birthdays and while desperately try to declutter and get rid of what you can, you one day realize you are "that house".

We now have some great peices of furniture. I like them a lot, but they are overshadowed by a large princess play house, a pit of balls, a childrens craft table, a play kitchen and.....today's new addition- a very large train table (early birthday gift for Phin). We have very generous grandparents and very happy children, but I guess that House Beautiful won't be photographing here anytime soon.

A restroom conversation

After Ava was acting a little grumpy, clining to mommy in restroom and therefore being slightly rude to her grandmother who is visiting and kindly suggested she wait outside with grammy so mommy can go potty on her own.

Me: Oh, looks like someone is grumpy. I know what that means, that means it is naptime! (and indeed it was 1pm, her typical naptime)

Ava: NO! you said we were going for ice cream after lunch, mommy.

Me: Well if you want to go for ice cream you better take those grumps and THROW them in this trashcan. (throwing motion towards trash can while speaking)

Ava (then COVERS HER MOUTH WITH HER HAND): No, I think I am going to keep them cuz, mommy, I might bump into something soon and then I want to whine.

A little sleep goes a LOOOONG way

My daughter has been sleeping rather poorly since starting preschool. She has been having nightmares; I don't know if they are related to the start of school or simply the fact that she is now three and a half- the exact age the books say nightmares and fears climax. The cause doesn't really matter, what does is the effect they are having on her quality of sleep! It's been a perfect storm. Great change and poor sleep are resulting in crabby kid with poor emotional control. It makes me wonder if God thinks I need to become more patient? I certainly am having to work hard to maintain my OWN emotional self control and keep perspective.

Handling these nightmare nights is yet a new stage of parenting and of wondering if you are helping or hurting the situation. It is yet another series of debates and discussion with my husband and myself about how to handle them. Should we let her sleep in our room? Should one of us sleep with her? If we do, will it become a habit that is impossible to break? Do you send a THREE year old back to sleep in the dark of night when she is obviously terrified?

Though I've questioned myself I've tried to take my own advice and trust my instincts even if I am not sure why the instincts are what they are. My husband has been gracious enough to also say, "I'll trust your instincts on this one" and even if he's questioned me in the middle of the night has come back in the morning to say, "Hey I think you made the right call." To make things even better, a good friend reinforced my decisions as good based on her experiences with her kids who have gone through but also outgrown this stage.

We let her sleep in our room, on the floor, if she's obviously afraid. We haven't allowed her to manipulate us into starting the night in our room. My friend assured me it wouldn't develop into a habit and indeed it hasn't. She hasn't had nightmares this week. It seems the allowing of her to feel safe when she is afraid has increased her security and therefore probably decreased her restless sleep state. She has slept soundly this week and thank GOD my sweet three year has returned. I mean even two weeks of the "child you fear you'll have" made me worry that our sweet princess was gone forever and I'd ruined our lives putting her in preschool.

Her sleeping better ALSO means WE'VE slept better...even with our stuffy heads and runny noses. I am reminded again never to take good sleep for granted- it is SOOO important; a necessary luxury. Oh sweet sleep, thank you for returning to our home!