NEW PICTURES OF OUR BOY:)

We finally have pictures;)  Christian is getting so big;)  I am sure we'll be studying these at length for sometime:)

He's cruisin;)  I love how secure he is with the caregiver in this pictures.  I love her fingers holding his little hand.  It's a gentle loving touch and I can't wait to hug her and say, "thank you for loving him." 

Look at his smile;)  and those eyes...dark as night but sparkling like stars.  His cute little pot belly and perfect feet....oh I cannot wait to hold this little man;)

(Notice again the beautiful hands of the caregiver- they obviously have just finished tickling him to induce this smile.  Her smile shows as much delight as his.  I don't yet know her name, but my heart swells in gratitude. )

Even with a look stunned by the camera, he is just precious.  His eyes are huge;)  I cannot wait until they are looking up at me.  He is so big and yet still so small, look at those pouty lips, perfect hands and feet.  Oh, I can't wait to rub that cute little head;)

This look reminds me of Phin.  Was Diana (our director and the photographer) trying to get his attention?  He looks like he is smirking, purposefully avoiding the camera.  There is mischief in these eyes;)  He'll fit RIGHT in 'round here;)

AH!  I am so in love;)  Just think, the next photos I post of Christian will Lord willing be of us meeting him for the first time.  Thank you, Lord, for creating this precious little boy.  My heart is so full, it may burst.

WE'RE GOING TO HAITI;)

Still no new pictures...but that is okay.  In three weeks, I am going to take many, many pictures MYSELF:)

We got confirmation that we can travel that last weekend in October.  We have a flight booked;)  We're going to meet this precious little boy in three weeks...amazing.  I cannot imagine seeing his precious face right in front of me.

Please keep us in your prayers.  Pray for our time with Christian.  That the three children, we leave behind for a few days will do well with those caring for them and that God will prepare our hearts to fully embrace Christian and yet somehow leave him behind after 4 days.  Finally, please continue to join us in praying that he'll be home by Christmas;)

Monday musings;)

It's Monday.  My house is in disarray and the laundry is piling over.  My inability to concentrate on anything but nonexistent pictures last week, put me a little behind.;)

The worship music is blarring, the sun is shining through the windows, I am resigned that my hoped for pictures will come at just the perfect time and praying that everything with our director is okay.  New mornings, new mercies....I am so thankful.

Little by little, I am whipping this place back into shape and dancing with my Little's all the while we work.  I look at the beautiful sky and know that my God made that sky and it's the same sky covering Christian's world at this same moment.  God knows if he's gotten any new teeth or learned to walk.  God knows if he's saying cute little words or in the "no" phase.  God knows and God sees and I love that.  I may not have pictures and sometimes I mourn that I am missing these things, but there is a Creator who not only knows the number of teeth in Christian's mouth, but the number of hairs on his head.  He hasn't missed a moment.  He's smiling down on him, watching over him....I am so thankful.

I need to do the work he's placed before ME today.  THIS is what he's given me today and I will do it with joy, knowing in his perfect time I'll have pictures and a chubby little boy running around my feet, laughing with his sister, wrestling with his brother, adding to the joy in our home.  Until then...I will keep my eyes not on unknowns but on my Maker, my Master, my Sovereign Gracious Father, who gives me JUST want I need.  I am learning to be content in want...and I am grateful.

BOO!

Still no pictures...no updates...no further correspondence, including confirming travel dates.  I am trying to be patient...grr.  I am trying to be gracious- seriously, it's weird that she's sent NOTHING further, so maybe she had a family emergency or she's really swamped or what about this?!  Maybe some miracle is happening in Haiti RIGHT NOW and she'll call and say, "guess what?!  You aren't waiting a year, you can pick him up when you visit him at the end of the month" (you've previously been warned about that I may be a little crazy right now;).

So, trying to have a good attitude and sometimes succeeding.  I DO know, with all my heart, that God is teaching me much in the waiting and doing a beautiful thing in my heart.  I am learning patience and surrender and for that I am grateful.  Still, I give a virutal "boo!" for no pictures of my baby yet.  That's all;)

What is is like to wait during an adoption?

We are currently in the much dreaded "waiting phase".  Much has been blogged about this stage.  Living it is beyond words.

There were times when I was pregnant with my first three children that I felt psychotic.  I had great anxiety.  I cried every time we left birthing class.  I had all kinds of ideas of what to buy and do to make labor perfect.  I spent too much money on clothes Ava only wore once.  I nested and nested and nested.  I also freaked out at my husband over TRULY stupid things.  I remember once YELLING at Marc.  He had a shocked look on his face, clearing communicating "what in the world just happened?" and I knew I was acting really insane and yet I couldn't stop my words or lower my volume.  I felt totally out of control.  I always took great comfort in blaming all that on hormones;)

I have no hormones to blame right now.  Thankfully, I've not yet screamed at my husband because he made reservations to brunch at 10 am instead of 1030.  I haven't screamed at my children.  But I have nervous energy in sometimes overwhelming proportions.  I can't logic away overwhelming feelings of joy, anxiety, sadness, etc.  I sometimes feel so crazy, so out of control.

The director of our program just returned from Haiti.  She will most likely be sending us updated pictures.  It is 11:30.  I have checked email every minute, I'm sure, since 7am.  I can't concentrate.  I am grazing and eating crap just cuz it keeps me busy.  I have tried to read and can't concentrate, I have started a bazillion jobs, but keep running back to the computer to check for pictures.  AH!  My children are running around me, thankfully, being little gems and they don't seem to notice anything awry, but in my head and heart I am a nervous wreck;)  The mere prospect of getting to see another glimpse of my little boy is so overwhelming.  The prospect of "something" else to hang onto in this waiting period is so exciting!  Has he grown?  Is he walking?  Has he lost any of those baby cheeks?  Does he have new teeth?  OH what I would give to have every little baby part photographed!

I did get an email in response to one I sent before she left so I know she is indeed back in the office.  I sent that email trying to catch her before she left, so we could request permission to travel THIS weekend.  I didn't catch her, so last week I sent updated dates, but she must have seen the first email first so she did give us permission to go this weekend, saying she just had to check on a couple things.  Oh goodness, I know in my head we can't.  Going last minute means one less trip later because of the price of last minute tickets.  We don't have childcare arranged and Marc didn't take off work.  Still, I spent time scouring the internet for normal prices, trying to figure out how we could make it happen.  In all likelihood, I will meet my son within the next month, but the mere prospect of meeting him on SATURDAY is overwhelming. How I want to be there....and yet I know some level of practicality is required.   Yet, I'd move heaven and earth for any of my children...I had to try....had to try.

So, there you have it- waiting makes me undone...totally and completely undone.  I am smitten and in love and perhaps hormones weren't really to blame in pregnancy either.  I am a momma through and through and when a baby isn't in your arms...you are undone.  period.