Sometimes is hard to give yourself Grace

We moved to Sheboygan in April and I quickly realized the church we were attending didn't have a mom's group. Because I led the mom's group in Chicago, I immediately wondered if God would have me start one here at some point. At the time I was 7 months pregnant and sure that wouldn't happen for at least a year; after all we hardly knew anyone.

I started getting together to play with two other women and their kids every Thursday at a park. They started talking about other moms that wanted to join and quite quickly I began to realize God had plans for a mom's group here. Right now we are not "official" and we meet every TH at my house. We are in the process of trying to formalize a "plan" and make ourselves officially part of the women's ministry at church. It seems God has big plans and I am just open and willing to do as he leads.

Today it was wonderful to have the moms over. I had to cancel a few times in the fall because of sick children. With that and the holidays I've had some days of loneliness for the first time since being in Sheboyan. It's been hard to feel connected. It was nice to see other moms today and again be excited about what God may have for us here- both in ministry and in relationships.

I had a terrible night with Chloe. I had to sleep in the recliner with my darling on my chest for a part of the night. The day started WAY before I or my body was ready and I was admittedly grumpy. I probably wouldn't have chosen for people to come over when I was feeling that way. So often I want to "have it all together" first, but today I remembered that often it's through relationship that I "get it together".

A couple conversations today really stuck with me. I found myself reflecting on them and growing a bit in the process. Isn't that what the body of christ SHOULD help us do?

First, a good friend was jokingly saying, "she didn't feel like a pastor's wife." I joked back "how should a pastor's wife feel." We often put positions up on pedestals and find ourselved unable to climb into them. She is a funny girl. A very authentic girl- she light heartedly compared herself to "great" women who have it all together. I joked with her- "you probably used to be great too before you have two kids under two!". I actually need to follow up that conversation. I need to make sure she knows I actually think she IS GREAT right now, right as she is. Having young children IS hard. We often feel scattered and are swimming in chaos. It's easy to look at others and feel like they are doing a better job than we are. Shoot, I have to honestly admit when she mentioned the women she thought were "great" I was jealous and wished she thought so highly of me;) That is what I've been pondering. Is motherhood somehow more successful if another mom thinks I'm perfect? I say I am passionate about being authentic, but I struggle with wanting people to think I am a supermom. I think I've dealt with the fact that supermoms don't really exist and then I find myself struggling again with that ideal.

The second conversation was with a lovely mom who is unfortunately a newly SINGLE mom. Her situation is tragic and hard enough with her husband, but her mom is also dying. She has two high energy boys. She was beating herself up because she feel asleep yesterday and her boys ended up playing video games for two hours in a row. On the outside, I and another mom, of course, told her this is SOOO not a big deal. They don't always play video games for great lengths of time and my goodness SHE NEEDED A NAP! Still it doesn't change how she felt inside, does it? She is buying into the lie that she failed. She didn't fail, she took a nap....a much needed nap. I can't help but wonder if that didn't end up actually helping her be a BETTER mom the rest of the day. It is OK to care for ourselves sometimes- not just okay, but necessary.

So...First, I need to make sure I mirror to friend number one what a GREAT job she IS doing. She loves and cares for her girls. Her husband always speaks highly of what and how she is doing. She is funny and bright and lovely. She IS just the pastor's wife she should be. I don't think my telling her that makes that any more valid- but a little encouragement never hurts.

Second, I need to remember that I am doing my best. Oh sure I have days like yesterday when my son eats too many fruit snacks. There are days when my kids watch too much TV, but you know what? I am doing a great job. I LOVE my kids and they are thriving. Yes, I get tired and some days are better than others, but I am a good mom and need to quit letting the voice of the Discourager distract me with self defeating thoughts. They only serve to distract from what is really important- being present with my kids and loving them with my whole heart. Yes, I hope to be a better mom every day, but that doesn't mean I am not a darn good one right now!

Confession

Okay- I have to confess, I have no earthly idea how many packs of fruit snacks my son ate today. I keep finding empty wrappers (the house was clean this morning so I know they are all from today) and I did see him helping himself a time or two. I suppose I am now in the middle of a science experiment of sorts. Anyone have a hypothesis re. the affect of large quanitities of fruit snacks on a toddler's poop?

This is not really acceptable, of course. It is my job as a mom to feed my kids a healthy diet...we won't discuss the fact that I am also a nurse;) If today were not an exception but the norm, I would certainly need a bit of nutritional counseling and some parenting advice.

The truth is, however, some days you just don't want to pick the battle. There have been days when he's taken candy without asking and I know I should take it away and correct him, but I let it go. Today I did see him "sneaking" the snacks, but I didn't want to deal with temper tantrums or any other reaction he might have from taking them away from him. It wasn't a bad day in any sense, I am just tired.

It is a situation that is causing me to look back in time and remember how LITTLE I knew in my young 20s. I remember going to help a mom from church pack up her home for a move. She had 5 kids under 6 and her home was slightly chaotic; especially since three of the five kids were boys and one of them is autistic. As I was helping her pack the kitchen, her youngest son kept coming into the kitchen and taking popsicles. He ate atleast five popsicles. I remember thinking it was funny, realizing she was just letting it go, but also feeling a little self righteous. When I was a mom I was certain I would never do that!

Here I am a mom...and I did that. My son is probably the exact age of her son. I get it now. I am eating humble pie (oooooo pie- maybe I need to eat some real pie tonight too!). Some days you just don't pick the battle unless it's absolutely necessary and let's face it with a two year old- there are enough absolutely necessary battles as it is.

I'll let you know the result of the "science experiment" tomorrow...

It is absolutely quiet in my house right now. I can hear the washing machine running in the baseent and the fridge just kicked in, but those are sounds I am rarely aware of. My four year old even fell asleep today. Quiet. Ah! What luxury!

Good intentions

Today was a good day. Motherhood was fun today. I didn't even sleep last night (Chloe was up with a high fever from her flu shot), but today just felt easy.

We went to the grocery store at 8am, because I needed caffeine and we were plum out (gotta put on my oxygen mask first, before helping my children;). Somewhere between waking up and the d00r to Pick N Save I got creative energy. What usually can be a real headache, turned into a fun outing.

There are very few people in the grocery store at 8 am. We played "I Spy" in the produce section. The kids had fun helping me gather our veggies. Phin needed a little extra help, but Ava had a blast picking out the perfect tomatoes and cucumbers. I also let them each pick one fruit. Ava got adventurous and went for the pineapple. Phin seems to be a creature of habit and picked red seedless grapes- a fruit that regularly makes it's appearance at our home.;) I then had them help me with cheese, yogurt, and eggs. We really had a great time and as the other shoppers (all old women at 8 in the morning) gave me smiles, I felt like I was on top of the world.

On the way home I thought about how perspective changes things so much! Instead of yelling at my kids today for grabbing things off the shelves, I was able to engage them. Instead of leaving the store with a headache, I left with a full heart. It really energized me and put a positive spin on our entire day. Here we were in the middle of a Sheboygan Winter, unable to go outside and we didn't even watch TV. It's no surprise my children were gems....how much of their misbehavior is fed off of my underlying angst? I even found myself being extra productive during nap time (which was long today because Chloe was extra tired from her sleepless night). We ended the day by making gourmet pizza for papa (caramelized onions, baby bella mushrooms and sun dried tomatoes on whole wheat crust) and plain old cheese pizza for the kids- flour is still every where from my little "helpers" and they "sampled" so much of the shredded mozzarella we had to cut up cheese sticks on their pizza.

I also was fueled with creative ideas for future days. I don't know how many of them will get "done", but I wrote them down, cuz I'd LOVE to do at least some of them. First on my list is cutting up my seed catalogs (AFTER planning my garden and ordering my seeds, of course;) and making "I Spy" grocery cards for Phin. A once dreaded task with three kids has now moved into the "winter outings" category;) Next, teaching my kids to clean...hey who doesn't love a spray bottle, right? (Okay- maybe I'm sniffing glue on thinking that one will be a success, but why not see the glass half full;)

Happy New Year

PHEW! The holidays are over!

Anyone else feel that way, too?! Don't get me wrong, we had a fabulous time on the ACTUAL holidays (I have the best family ever!), but the month leading up to Christmas was just crazy. Certainly adding a dog in our mix helped add to the chaos, but I definitely felt like December was rushing by and I was barely hanging on. (We did rehome little Max with a high school friend of mine, by the way.) Shoot- I mailed my Christmas Cards on Christmas Eve and I still owe a few Christmas presents to friends far away;P

I feel very joyful over this New Year. That is unusual for me; typically I find myself a little sad that time is passing so quickly. Right now however, I feel like we are moving into a new season. Chloe is getting older and though things haven't eased up yet, I can see light in our future. I feel like I am under water but now I can see the surface. Soon, I will be coming up to breathe fresh air!

Now, let's be honest this is really probably all about sleep. I just don't do well on sleep deprivation. My mind is lost somewhere in 2006 and my body...well, I don't know how far back I need to look to find that one;) I don't even know if I remember what it feels like to be well rested or to function at normal capacity!

We've always said that we'd probably have four kids, but both of us are feeling like our family may be complete with three. My heart is full, my attention more than taken and we just feel like perhaps God is leading us to keep our family to five for now. I have embraced this season of very young children and surrendered to the utter chaos it entails, but now that it is looking like it may be moving forward, I feel quite joyful;)

I love having babies. I love the cuddles. I love nursing. I love chubby cheeks and rolly polly thighs. But I also am really excited to not have a baby on my hip anymore. I am ready to be more active as a family and not be tied down by nap schedules.

Before I get comments, let me clarify that I AM open to whatever God has for us. Children are a blessing and I would never turn my back on blessings he wanted to bestow on us. Adoption may be in our future, as well. At the moment, however, I feel emotionally in a different place than I have been with my other two kids. I feel like he has my heart in a new place; I just feel like the season of infants is over. It's time to pass that torch and I am so okay with that. I am ready for new adventures. I love my kiddos and I am exciting to see them grow and learn. (and YES I AM savoring the chaos of TODAY, as well:)

2010 was a FULL year with SOOO much change- new job for Marc, new house, move to new area, and new child. I am pretty sure all of those things are on the list of "top most stressful changes." God was good to us. The year was full, but he provided WAY above our expectations. We experienced much closeness and joy. What should have strained the family relationships, only strengthened them. Yes, we look back with thanks.

We look forward with hope and expectation. Here's to 2011 and a God who already knows what is holds!