Sunday, June 7, 2009

Sacrifice and loneliness

Being a mother of small children is difficult, everyone who is or has ever been in this life stage knows this to be true. Not only do you have to pour your energy into your children, struggle with making sure you discipline enough, but not too much, stay consistent, give hugs even when you feel like you might scream if one more person touches you, read books over and over again upon request while the child who does the requesting constantly interupts you with some aside, rock and rock and rock a crying baby and somehow willing yourself not to start crying too, slave over a meal only to have the majority of it end up on your shirt or the floor, wipe poopy bottoms, get sprayed by pee, clean up vomit somehow without vomitting yourself, SCRUB stains of unknown origin from clothes...okay we could go on and on with this list, but the bottom line is you do all that is required of you with little to no thanks and often with little to no help. I was blessed by being reminded this week, by my cousin's blog, that Christ called us to lose our life for his sake. I don't know if there is any calling that requires this more than motherhood! I realized today that what seemed like a little blessed reminder on Tuesday was actually preparing my heart for this weekend.

We have gobs of family in town for Phin's dedication. I was so excited to have everyone here. I don't know why I forget what having people in town is like- perhaps because my kids are still young and the hardship that accompanies it are new. It challenges me to the core. It is a glaring reminder that I am in a different life stage than everyone else. I am probably the only one that has very little fun. It is hard. See the kids everyone thinks are so cute, are mine. I am the one who has to take care of them- make sure they are fed and get adequate sleep in order that they remain so cute. About twenty minutes into everyones arrival, I had de ja vu. Everytime I am in this situation I realize my only identity at the moment is that of being a mom. People ask me about the children, but otherwise it is as if they don't know I have anything else to offer. After all, I don't work and can't just leave my children to hang out, so what else could I have to talk about? At Thanksgiving, I sat for hours holding a crying baby while everyone else played Wii. I like Wii, but people must assume I don't know how to have fun. NO one even offers to hold the baby and let me play. Perhaps they look at me and see the trade off would be a win for me and lose for them. People like to hold babies and pinch cheeks...for all of five minutes until something more "fun" comes along.

We go to dinner and I hear conversation going on around my husband and me, while we chat
with one another and try to entertain our children and keep them relatively quiet and well behaved.

This afternoon my children are napping. If they don't nap, they will not be pleasant this evening. They cannot stay home by themselves, so I here I sit. I am alone. 15 people visiting and I am alone. Why? I am not quite sure other than to guess it wasn't the most fun option and honestly when people aren't in this lifestage I don't even think they take time to think about it. Everyone else is either playing tennis or hanging at the park watching. I am home alone. I have finished cleaning up the home and in a short time will begin to set up for dinner. I have a sister-in-law who knows nothing about me (she's a newbie;) and I realized, she has only known me as a mom and I must seem quite boring. Does she think I don't WANT to be out with everyone? I wonder. Does she think I have no interests? I wonder if she looks at me and thinks I am just a stick in the mud who doesn't like to go anywhere? Does anyone notice that no one even asked what I was doing?

At one time I was voted class clown, I have a lot of interests and am quite intelligent, but that isn't what people see right away when they look at me. My homemaking can often "define" me in the eyes of others and while I love that I stay home and care for my children sometimes I want to scream "THERE'S MORE TO ME!".

Bottom line, motherhood can be lonely. Responsibility isn't always fun. I shed a few tears knowing I am unknown (not to my husband who would have gladly stayed home, but deserves himself to enjoy his brother). This season will pass and I'll wish it I had these little cuddlebugs to hold again. In the meantime, I have to surrender my life and along with that I have to surrender the temptation to care too much about what people think of me. Am I more intelligent if that is acknowledged by others, am I funnier? Heck no. I am who I am- I have wonderful people who do love and know me, but more than that I have a wonderful Savior. He has called me to raise two beautiful children. His opinion is all that matters and scrap what I said about being alone- He "will never leave me nor forsake me." He has comforted my heart. One day I'll be able to run off and have fun whenever I want, right now I have the blessed responsibility of caring for two people he created and is entrusting to me. Does that entail a lot of sacrifice- yep, but if this is the place he called me, I know there is no place I'd rather be- not even at the tennis courts right now.

One day someone else will be in my shoes, and having walked along this path, perhaps I'll be the one to take notice. I am going to be sure to ask them lots of questions, to find out who they are, to take time to make sure they are included and I'll be sure to tell them how God refined my heart, my desires, and my motives to make them more in line with His! Thank you God for wrapping your arms around me today, for Amy's blog post on Tuesday, and for your grace in teaching me gently that my security lies in you.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Kim! I was looking over Zach's shoulder on Facebook (I'm not on yet) and saw that you have a blog now! Just wanted to let you know I'm a fan...and that I TOTALLY hear you! And as for the previous post about not freaking out with your in-laws coming, WOW! I strive to be so balanced, but it's hard!

    Keep the posts coming. They're a big encouragment (and source of entertainment) for me!