The Only Part of June Cleaver I resemble is the "Cleaver"

Before becoming a mom, I pictured myself as someday being a June Cleaver of the world- a mom who is organized, peacefull, soft-spoken, wise, well-kept, etc. As the title of my blog clearly indicates, I am simply a poser, a wannabe. I am not a bad mom. I am a pretty good mom, actually, but I am an imperfect mom.

While I know I am imperfect, I still find it difficult to deal with sometimes. If I was perfect, I would be God- He is pretty good at being Himself. The thing is I just hate when I fail at this parenting thing because it affects these precious little impressionable children. I could give myself an ulcer if I meditated on all the things my kids could possibly be in therapy for one day.

I was listening to Nancy Leigh DeMoss on the radio today and she said, "Children are the Sandpaper for our Souls" (or something close to that) and talked about how God uses them to smooth us. According to her, the more difficult the child, the sharper the edges God knows we need smoothed. He uses them to grow us. I wouldn't call either of my children particularily difficult, but there are difficult things about each of them. Ava is very dramatic and very emotional. This can just push my buttons. I have been well rested lately....until this week. Being well-rested makes everything easier to deal with. This week, however, I am just exhausted. I find the whining, crying, poor listening, three year old behavior grating.

This morning I let her watch a TV show before summer camp. I don't know if anyone else finds this, but TV can just make her grumpy. ("TV sickness" a friend of mine calls it.) Anywho- she was in a ridiculous mood when she had to turn it off. Everything was a big deal. Every instruction was responded to with negotiation, etc. I found my fuse getting shorter and shorter and my temper smouldering within me. First, I heard myself yell "Stop, Stop now, get your socks on." I regretted it. I calmed becuase of the regret and tried a different approach counting to have her stop crying. Didn't work. I threatened- didn't work. She was in an emotional spiral and I did not like it- at all. She was whining about everything. I couldn't get a straight answer about what shoes she wanted to wear, but if I set out a pair it was hysterical crying. I found myself yelling, "What shoes to do you want to wear?" Whining, unintelligible response. "Try again". Whining intelligible response. "Stop! Tell me again." Whining intelligible response.

It was at this point the Holy Spirit stepped in and showed me how ridiculous I was making this situation. I am yelling (when I say yelling, I mean more of a stern, above normal volume voice- not screaming, but not pleasant to be on the receiving end of nonetheless) and expecting her to stop whining and give me a calm answer. Normally, this is our approach. If she is whining, I simply say, "oops, try again" and she'll smile and rephrase in a non-whining voice. But today, she wasn't in a "normal" mode, she was in an emotional spiral. My yelling was making her feel so pressured. She obviously was out of control emotionally and my added pressure was NOT helping her get under control. I took a deep breath and told her I would be back in five minutes; I told her to take some deep breaths and decide about the shoes before I came back.

It worked. She wimpered but was calming gradually. We got into the car and on our way to camp and I wanted to cry. Most of the time, my daughter has a pretty great, secure life, but for 5 minutes this morning, it wasn't fun. I don't think it made her feel secure or loved. CRAP! My stomach was in knots, I fought back tears. I was irresponsible and stayed up late last night reading and my daughter pays today. That is so wrong. I collected myself and I said, "Ava mommy was frustrated with your disobedience this morning and I needed to correct you so that you'll learn to obey and to obey without arguing with everything I say, but it is not okay for mommy to raise her voice. I have asked Jesus to help me with this and asked him to forgive me. Will YOU forgive mommy for yelling at you this morning?" She immediately said, "Oh yes, I forgive you mommy and I think Papa will forgive you too!" I started to tear up, grateful that not only are God's mercies new every morning and every moment, but Ava's are too.

I hope we have very few repeats of my temper loss, but God indeed used my daughter to further refine me today. He offered conviction and his forgiveness and allowed me to experience hers as well. Her love is, for the time being, unconditional; her heart is open and free and loving. I want to be as quick to forgive and move on as she is.

I guess I have some pretty rough edges. God knows just how sharp and how desperately they need smoothing. I myself was kind of blissfully unaware of this before I had kids. Now I am aware and the edges are glaring at me. I hate this refining process but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am so grateful to have a God who knows me better than I know myself. I am thankful that he isn't willing to leave me be to rot in my imperfections. He is refining me, making me more beautiful and more effective for his purposes. I trust that as I look to Him, he'll help me parent my kids. While I hate that the episode this morning happened, I am thankful for the Holy Spirit and for the reminder today that I need to daily spend time with him, learning from him and asking for wisdom and strength to be a wife and mom that honors and glorifies him.