S.A.D

My name is Kim and I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.  I am sure you have heard of it.  The acronym is so darn cute, isn't it- sad.  I mean how adorable that a disorder that makes you seem sad, can be abbreviated to S.A.D.  Living with it, however, is far from cute;)

I have to be honest, this year, the whole S.A.D thing caught me by surprise.  Last year, I was downright giddy throughout winter.  I even believe I posted about having a crush on winter.  My husband was delighted with this change in my seasonal demeanor and I thought a home with a garage and lots of sunlight was my blessed cure.

Truth be told, even though years past were nothing like last year.  I haven't even struggled greatly with S.A.D. for quite a few years.  Sure, I got a little grumpy and the season couldn't pass fast enough, but over all it was so mild it was barely noticeable.

This year, we returned from the holidays and I was exhausted emotionally and phsycially.  I lay on the couch for a week and attributed my behavior to be completely spent after traveling and a week with the in laws.  The next week, I felt pretty horrible too, but blamed this on the fact that my already pages long "to do" list was now another week behind and pages longer.  Surely, I was just overwhelmed.

My sister came up and we chipped away at "to do"s.  My laundry was caught up, my house clean and even, thanks to my OCD sister, organized.  I still felt exhausted, sad, overwhelmed, and paralyzed.  I kept MAKING myself doing more...surely I could fix this.  I felt worse.  I couldn't get enough done.  I couldn't get enough sleep.  I was a bear to live with.  Then I hit an all out panic that I surely must be pregnant.  When else have I fallen asleep at 7pm and just wanted to be alone.  I was in such a panic, it took me three days to get up the nerve to take a test....negative.  Hmmm...what next?

A nurse, like myself, should have been on this bad boy sooner.  Instead, my hubby clued me in.


In case you are unfamiliar.  Seasonal Affective Disorder is basically fall/winter onset depression.  I've had it for a long time, but haven't struggled with it to this degree for quite a few years.  Why?  pregnancy and nursing!   Hormones actually affect it.

Here are the symptoms of S.A.D:
-increased appetite with weight gain, especially an increase in intake of carbohydrates
-increased sleep and daytime sleepiness
-less energy and ability to concentrate in the afternoon
-loss of interest in work or other activities
-slow, sluggish, lethargic movement
-social withdrawal
-unhappiness and irritability

I have every single symptom this year.  I have gained 6 lbs. since my 12/24 weigh in.  I know in my head I need to eat healthier but literally nothing tastes good.  I have been consuming mostly chocolate and diet coke.  I have been unable to track on weight watchers- usally something motivating for me.  I have had great difficulty even concentrating to read a book.  I feel exhausted most of the time.  I have tried sleeping more or being more active and still just feel exhausted.  I have been going to bed on time or early and still finding great difficulty getting out of bed in the morning.  I have been going to social functions, but often feel like I'm acting when there (not that I am acting, mind you, just because it takes such effort to interact normally) and it literally takes great effort to make myself get out of the house.  I feel sad much of time time.  Irritable?  well, lets just say I've felt like I have had a terrible case of PMS for weeks now.

I started Light Therapy a week ago and forced myself to eat healthy...forced as in literally choked down veggies and fruit.  Thank the Lord, I am starting to feel normal again.  Who knew a little happy lamp could do so much good!