Joy

I haven't been very good about blogging, or about posting my musings, rather.  I have quite a few unpublished posts sitting waiting to be clarified.  I've just been struggling through a lot- having really hard and really good moments.  On one hand it's been hard to articulate, on another I think I've been frustrated with myself because I've been asking some of the same questions I've asked before.  Who am I?  What makes a good mom?

On top of that, we're awaiting news that would change our lives and I've struggled with what it means to follow God anywhere and be obedient with anything.  (I am not pregnant- let's just get that clear.  Marc's company may want to move us...which is uncertain and just hard to comprehend having just moved HERE!)

We've lived here 8 months and it's been a vulnerable time of transition.  It's been amazing for our marriage and we've seen God provide and lead.  For me personally, it's been a lot of ups and downs.  The long winter and my Seasonal Affective Disorder haven't helped!

I was really struggling trying to push through.  I felt defeated as a mom.  I haven't been mothering from a place of joy.  I haven't felt like I've really found "me" in this new role as an adoptive mama.

I was just telling a friend I felt empty and void of joy.  But he promises if we seek him he will be found and God just met me hugely...through alone time with him, a great women's conference, and great friends from church.

It was one of those gentle chastising weeks and yet so refreshing.  Who am I? Who am I, I ask? I know who I am.  Life has changed, sure.  Yes, I am now an adoptive mother too, but to ask "who I am"?  Who I am has not actually changed.  I am a child of the King.  I am deeply loved by my creator and I love Jesus.  I LOVE Jesus.  Kim LOVES her kids and her husband...the mad, head over heels kind of love.  I feel like in the exhaustion, I have started to believe the lie that I hate my role.  I've given into selfishness and lost focus.  God just reminded me- I actually LOVE my role as a mom.  I have been wrongly viewing it as a burden.  I've been saying and feeling like motherhood is taking too much of me.  I felt like God just said, "You're empty?  I know, dear daughter.  But Kim, isn't that the BEST place to be so that I can fill you with my Spirit?!"

I feel like Satan has been bombarding me with my insignificance and my short comings.  BOMBARDING.  I have plenty for sure, but you know what the bible says?  In Psalm 127, he says "Unless the LORD builds the house, it's builders labor in vain."  I have heard this verse so many times, but this weekend the Lord hit me with it right between the eyes.  HE is going to BUILD THIS HOUSE.  HE IS.  I do not have to labor.  I have been laboring and it's been vain.  I feel such peace.  He knows these kids.  How have I lost sight of that truth?  He is all, ALL I need.

We've lived here 8 months and on paper we shouldn't have much community or fellowship yet, but you know what?  We are beyond blessed.  Today our friends were here ALL day and we spent hours praying for one another and encouraging one another and it was just awesome.  They love Jesus and that bond is deep and the love between us is deep no matter the limited time we've had.  I am so so blessed.  The just spoke life into me today and affirmed all that God was already saying to my heart.  They affirmed my gifts and passions and they just loved on me and let me love on them.

I was struggling last week with who i am.  God reminded me- You KNOW who you are.  I was struggling with what makes a good mom and I even have a blog post half done discussing it and he gave me my answer.  HE makes a good mom- not pinterest or facebook or the myriad of good books available...and certainly not my labor.  HE makes a good mom.  HE does.  I said I wanted to parent with joy and I am filled to overflowing with joy tonight because I am loved and known.  I am saved and restored.  I am provided for...in ways I couldn't even have anticipated needing provision.

God is so good.  I am Kim Aneed and I am adopted by God.  The perfect adoptive parent, can handle leading me through the newest aspect of my role.  I am loved beyond reasoning.  He SINGS over me.  He provides for EVERY need.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I am passionate about my kids and my husband.  Most of you who know me are going, "duh!", but I'd lost sight of all that was important and this week, I just needed to be pulled back into his arms and gently, but firmly reminded, "Knock it off, you KNOW this."  He is good and joy overflows.