Thankful

I haven't participated in the whole daily facebook thankfulness post.  I think it's awesome.  I just don't want one more "to do".  The truth is every year we write what we are thankful for in our Thankfulness journal, but this year?  This year there are THREE days entered.  It isn't that we aren't thankful, it's just that I am forgetful, life is chaotic at dinner time, and we are still in transition even though I don't always realize it.  This year, the Thanksgiving kids books are out on the coffee table and we read them periodically, but it has definitely been a minor part of November.  The Charlie Brown Thanksgiving movie sparked the biggest discussion this month.  Life is good, but days are busy.  We still do a lot of limit setting with Christian and when I say a lot, I mean ALL DAY LONG.  He's 2 1/2 and testing boundaries left and right.  Some days are great, others are exhausting.  Even among the craziness though, the beauty of our new family is so evident.  Some days I am so tired as I fall into bed, I do little reflecting, but other, I lie awake amazed.

I am thankful for each day.  I am thankful for the mandatory cocooning we've had to do.  We can't go out a lot at all, we see people weekly, but not much more and it's been a really sweet time for us.

I am thankful for my husband.  He works really hard.  He is a man of so much integrity but most of all he loves Jesus with every fiber of his being.  We fight from time to time, but mostly as I reflect on the past 13 years, I am just amazed at the depth of our communication, at the way we work together, at the often effortless way we flow through life together.  I really do feel like we function as one so much of the time.  I just look and see this godly, loving, selfless man and while not perfect, I am so amazed that he is mine.

I am thankful for Ava.  Ava is seven.  She talks endlessly.  I am thankful for the way she stretches me to let go of my need for order and stillness and let this little artist take shape.  I am thankful for the way she is forging the trail, the things she is teaching me about parenting that will undoubtedly help her siblings- things like, letting her be a silly, loud, crazy seven year old, cuz it may be piercing to my ears, but it is harmless.  She is teaching me to embrace her joyous spirit and learn to wear ear plugs;0  She has an amazing heart.  She LOVES Jesus and her family.  She care deeply for others and prays for her classmates regularly.  She is creative.  This age has stretched me, but it also give me such joy.  Our conversations are often deep and meaningful and the bond we have is strong.  She is special.  My first born precious daughter- my rule following Dreamer.  What a complex, fascinating, and talented little woman she is becoming!

I am thankful for Phin- Silly Phin.  He is our resident Photobomber.  Our "go against the flow little guy."  He enters through exits and exits through entrance doors, he eats hot dogs without buns, and if everyone else says something is scary, it is his favorite thing.  I am thankful for reverse psychology, it works wonders with this guy.  He sees right through it, but finds it hilarious anyway.  He is sweet.  He gives and gives to others.  He takes such delights in seeing his sisters and brother have good things.  He LOVE collecting things, especially money and counts it endlessly.  I am so thankful that he is my cleaner, my orderly kid.  Everything has its place, it's color bin.  He can whip a room into shape like none other and it helps this order liking mama immensely.  Phin's energy is boundless and I am thankful that he keeps me from sitting on facebook too long....energy needs to be expended after all;)  His name means face of compassion and this kid's laugh and smile daily bless my soul.

I am thankful for Chloe.  This little girl has more spirit in her pinky finger than most people do in their entire body.  When she experiences joy, my heart soars.  When she is having angst, well...she is exposing things in me that I didn't know were so deep- impatience, anger, frustration.  I am thankful because parenting her requires me to depend on Jesus.  The rewards are so sweet, she is precious, but she also stretches me in countless way, She is teaching me patience, compassion, to not listen to my sin nature for a reaction, but to pray and ask the Spirit to show me what she needs.  She is my girly girl.  She loves to dance and dance and sing.  She is obsessed with her puppies and time is her love language.  Time...she is teaching me to slow down and savor time, a lesson that is a gift.  Her crazy curls are the external warning of her crazy personality.  This girl will never let anyone push her around and I love to dream about how she is going to take this world by storm!

I am thankful for Christian, so thankful!  What a difference a year makes!  I am thankful for God's provision.  I am thankful for this little vulnerable boy.  He has added so much to our home...including more noise and chaos;)  I am thankful for the lessons I am learning daily.  I thought I had learned to lay down myself already, but I am realizing I still have much selfishness that needs to be cleansed.  Christian doesn't watch TV, I get little break during the day, it can be tough, but I am thankful because I know it is time with him that I lost the first two years.  I know that he is developing a deep love for his mama.  I am thankful for the relationship he has with Marc, for the way her RUNS to the door when Marc comes home.  I am thankful for the relationships he already has with his siblings.  He pesters Chloe to no end...it often makes me laugh.  He is SUCH the kid brother;)  He and Phin and BROs!  They wrestle, they conspire, they conquer and destroy.  He deeply admires Ava.  The only time he DOES watch TV is with her, cuddled often upon her lap.  They have a sweet bond.  This kids smile is worth more than words.  He is intelligent and HILARIOUS.  He is going to do amazing things.  I am thankful for the joy he has added to to home, for the way this transition has made my dependence on God even deeper, for all he gives me, for what I am learning, for his strong cuddles, for the way he lets me comfort him in his grief and the joy he finds in little things.  We have a little game he initiated that I will forever cherish.  I say, "Vin ba lo!"  with means "come close".  When I whisper it, her runs to me and squeezes me tight.   Then he backs up further and says it to me and I run, then  we repeat, and move further apart and repeat.  I can't express how special this is between us...He's been here barely two months and we have "our thing"- LOVE IT.  He is my baby boy, the child of my heart...the completion of our family....our dream come true.

Most of all, I am thankful for Jesus.  I know lots of people say that and at times it seems token, but truly I mean it from the bottom of my heart.  My life is so not what I would have planned.  I totally cannot parent four children.  I am selfish.  I am impatient.  I don't pray as much as I ought.  I certainly don't spend as much time in the Word as I ought, but in his grace he leads me through each day.  I've loved Jesus for a long time, but the longer I know him the more I know I don't deserve Him.  He gives me the desires of my heart, he truly does.  I often am stunned cuz I didn't pray hard enough to get the answer, I didn't get up at four in the morning and pray for four hours, I just cried out in my heart, I just asked for help and he answered.  It is all his grace, not my merit.  He leads me daily.  I have so much to learn, so many more places to grow, but I know I used to dream of seamlessly walking through the day as he directs each step and I believe I am starting to live the answer.  I seem to have always deeply desired him in every detail and it isn't the outwardly miraculously journey I imagined, no it's much more mundane.  He is in my details, he does direct most of my steps, I have learned to abide.  I screw up, he draws me back.  He is helping me mother these blessings and  be a wife to my husband.  He is teaching me where to direct my energy.  No, It isn't quite as flashy as I imagined in my young twenties.  No one is writing a movie about me, I doubt many other people even notice my life, but the profond things he does in my heart blow my mind.  He is so real, so personal, so loving, so true.  When he uses me, it's all him, and I stand amazed.  His plans are good, He is good, He is faithful.

No, my thankfulness hasn't been recorded in facebook or in our Thankfulness journal this year, but it's written upon my heart and my heart is overflowing.