What is is like to wait during an adoption?

We are currently in the much dreaded "waiting phase".  Much has been blogged about this stage.  Living it is beyond words.

There were times when I was pregnant with my first three children that I felt psychotic.  I had great anxiety.  I cried every time we left birthing class.  I had all kinds of ideas of what to buy and do to make labor perfect.  I spent too much money on clothes Ava only wore once.  I nested and nested and nested.  I also freaked out at my husband over TRULY stupid things.  I remember once YELLING at Marc.  He had a shocked look on his face, clearing communicating "what in the world just happened?" and I knew I was acting really insane and yet I couldn't stop my words or lower my volume.  I felt totally out of control.  I always took great comfort in blaming all that on hormones;)

I have no hormones to blame right now.  Thankfully, I've not yet screamed at my husband because he made reservations to brunch at 10 am instead of 1030.  I haven't screamed at my children.  But I have nervous energy in sometimes overwhelming proportions.  I can't logic away overwhelming feelings of joy, anxiety, sadness, etc.  I sometimes feel so crazy, so out of control.

The director of our program just returned from Haiti.  She will most likely be sending us updated pictures.  It is 11:30.  I have checked email every minute, I'm sure, since 7am.  I can't concentrate.  I am grazing and eating crap just cuz it keeps me busy.  I have tried to read and can't concentrate, I have started a bazillion jobs, but keep running back to the computer to check for pictures.  AH!  My children are running around me, thankfully, being little gems and they don't seem to notice anything awry, but in my head and heart I am a nervous wreck;)  The mere prospect of getting to see another glimpse of my little boy is so overwhelming.  The prospect of "something" else to hang onto in this waiting period is so exciting!  Has he grown?  Is he walking?  Has he lost any of those baby cheeks?  Does he have new teeth?  OH what I would give to have every little baby part photographed!

I did get an email in response to one I sent before she left so I know she is indeed back in the office.  I sent that email trying to catch her before she left, so we could request permission to travel THIS weekend.  I didn't catch her, so last week I sent updated dates, but she must have seen the first email first so she did give us permission to go this weekend, saying she just had to check on a couple things.  Oh goodness, I know in my head we can't.  Going last minute means one less trip later because of the price of last minute tickets.  We don't have childcare arranged and Marc didn't take off work.  Still, I spent time scouring the internet for normal prices, trying to figure out how we could make it happen.  In all likelihood, I will meet my son within the next month, but the mere prospect of meeting him on SATURDAY is overwhelming. How I want to be there....and yet I know some level of practicality is required.   Yet, I'd move heaven and earth for any of my children...I had to try....had to try.

So, there you have it- waiting makes me undone...totally and completely undone.  I am smitten and in love and perhaps hormones weren't really to blame in pregnancy either.  I am a momma through and through and when a baby isn't in your arms...you are undone.  period.