Monday, October 15, 2012

My heart is already breaking....

I've started and deleted this post numerous times since Friday.  My journal page sits blank before me, as well.  I am certain God is doing a work in my heart and yet am at a complete loss with how to articulate it.

I will meet my baby boy in less than two weeks (11 days, 15 hours and 10 minutes, to be exact;).  We'll be in Haiti.  I suspect the whirl of emotions that will occur in my heart will be overwhelming. Will I shed tears...or will I be so overcome that I'll feel numb?

I am certain that God has big things for ME on this trip- not easy things, but big things.  I have read voraciously about Haiti since we started the process to adopt from there.  It is no coincidence, however, that God chose last week for HelpOne Now to do a blogger tour that included a couple of my favorite bloggers.  I spent much time last week literally weeping as I read their posts and every post of every blogger on the tour.  Perhaps it is simply their eloquence, for certainly they are all very gifted writers and bring the devastation and hope that coexist in Haiti to life.  I think, however, the depth of indescribable that was occurring in my heart was more than words, it was a God thing;)

I have often worried that I compartmentalize my emotions a little TOO well.  I am great as a nurse in the ICU, but I have wished I wasn't SO GOOD in crisis when it comes to my children.  Sometimes I fear I don't react strongly enough to things THEY view as big.  I have prayed for God to help me be more present in the moment emotionally- to not just automatically turn to thinking and logic, but to feel deeply in situations; to allow tears to flow freely when appropriate and not have to push away my mind in order to figure out how my heart feels.  Through this adoption, I have felt many times that he is answering that prayer.  As I approach our upcoming trip, I am so confident he is answering that prayer that I sometimes fear I will be overcome by all the emotions that are swirling.  At times, I am so overwhelmed I long for the days when my mind could make reason of everything.  My heart is breaking for Christian's homeland.  It's a part of who he is and this beautiful land and people are suffering.  Child trafficking, rape, and poverty beyond comprehension are common place.  Things my mind can't even begin to wrap itself around.

I've been to third world countries.  I've seen people living in card board boxes and dressed in clothes we would use as rags to wipe our floors in the US, but I think I am unprepared for what awaits me in Haiti.  It is the poorest country in the world; what a horrible distinction.  In light of the poverty that is throughout our world, the devastation in a country deemed "worse of the worse" is heartbreaking.  Yet simultaneously, unequivocally the Haitian people are described as joyful, hopeful, enduring.  They are creative.  Certainly, we look at a tent city from our warm, houses with multiple rooms and feel pity.  But it is also ingenious.  They recreated a "city" without architects.  Sure, problems abound with sewage and crime and it turns our stomach to think about living in such poverty, but look beyond it and see what creativity and ingenuity these beautiful people possess.  I know I will be humbled beyond comprehension.  I want a piece of their brilliance and joy, of their resolve and hope. I want to know their beautiful hearts.

How does one prepare for what is certain to be a breaking- a breaking of my heart, of my self, of all that is "sacred"?  I feel like I am embarking on a journey and will see God in ways I never could have imagined.  In the wonder of meeting a child that  I didn't not carry in my womb, but love already beyond words, I am experiencing an indescribably miracle.  Already I am in awe, how much more when Christian is in my arms?  In the devastation of Haiti, I know I will come face to face with the depths of my own depravity.  I will be challenged with what it means to be thankful, to love God, to experience joy and hope and meaning.  I know God is going to do a work in my heart- my hands are open, my heart is open and still, I feel like I'll need a million buckets to capture all that he'll show me.  I already feel like I am trying to catch water from a fire house in a Dixie cup...and I haven't even arrived on the soil.

Words fail me, but hope fills me.  The cry of my heart is to be fully used of God- so he can break and rebuild me in any which way he chooses.  I know true joy and contentment are only in the center of his will.  I KNOW he is faithful; I KNOW I can trust him 100%.  So here I am Lord...break me.


  1. "Words fail me, but hope fills me." Love this. Your open hands and heart challenge and inspire me. Thank you, friend. Praying with you... XO

  2. Thanks for putting this out here...I can't imagine the roller coaster of emotions you are feeling, and am feeling blessed to be able to see God work on you...and most of all THROUGH you. Thanks!

  3. Heather is right, so beautiful- you made me cry :) Karla

  4. It's a beautiful thing to feel the Lord's heartbeat like never before~