Blessings Among the Clouds

We are fortunate to know enough adoptive families, that we knew when we started on the journey to adopt, it wouldn't be easy.  There are the mounds of paperwork I mentioned before, but I think the hardest part is disapproval from others.  It's hard to know in the depth of your soul that this is what the Lord is calling our family to do and to have that questioned by others.  I know there is no way to "prove" this is the Lord's call for us.  We didn't hear an audible voice coming out of the clouds with details on how to go about this.  Our hearts were drawn and prompted.  Circumstances seem providential.  But sometimes what we view as providential, others say is coincidence.  The criticism is hardest coming from those close to you or other strong believers.  It's challenging when behind the criticism is the basic belief that they do not believe this is really a God thing, but just an idea we think is good; that is perhaps most hurtful.  It's not all about adoption, actually.  I think it is hard for some people to understand adoption, but I have found the hardest thing people grapple with is the fact our family is growing...possibly into quite a large familly.

I get a lot of, "How will you handle it?"s.  I get "Don't you have your hands full already?"  I wish it was easier to let these question roll off my back.  Usually it takes a good cry and a lot of chosing to focus on God and not externals to get to a place of peace.  See, these questions touch on my own fears.  I have no idea how I'll handle it and YES! we do have our hands full.  The questions touch on my own fears of inadequacy as I read into the questioning and wonder if people think I am failing as a mom.  I don't think I do too bad with my three, but I start to fear maybe I am doing a worse job than I think.  All of a sudden I start to get my eyes of Christ, and focus on my own weaknesses and fears.  I've been forced to confront my own previously unnamed fears about having a large family.  I have had to confront the fact that I have my own prejudices against it.  Let's face it- it is SOOO not cool.  Our society is all about living for ourselves, living with ease, etc.  I am terrified sometimes about how many kids God will call us to have.  It feels too hard.  When will I ever have time for myself?  Who will babysit for 4 or 5 kids?  Will we ever be able to travel? 

If there were a scale, the positive, supporting, amazing things we hear and feel certainly greatly outweight the bad, but it one were to look at this week alone, the scale tipped negative.  It's been hard.

God calls us all to very different things.  Being called to have a large family, pulls me out of my comfort zone, but I believe that is the journey God needs to take me on.  I am far to easily prone to living for myself and the world tells me that is how I should live.  With each child, I have had to give more of me.  Yes, it's terrifying to wonder how much God will ask me to give.  Yes, I wonder if there'll be anything left.  But TRUTH is not based on other people's opinion or wise words; it is certainly not based on my feeling, which can very greatly day to day.  Truth is based on what God's word says.  The bible says children are a blessing.  The bible says I am to die to self.  The bible says HE is strong where I am weak.  The bible says His plans are to PROSPER me and not to harm me.  I have to chose to focus on truth and forget about other's approval or what is "cool".

Yes, this week I needed a good reminder to focus on the truth.  I had lost focus on Christ and like Peter started to drown in waves of doubt.  My feelings were injured and I had trouble looking past them.  My sister was amazing yesterday and reminded me of truth and God's faithfulness; she gently reminded me that my job was to be obedient and trust the Lord.  She reminded me of the truth of scripture just when I needed the reminder.   Today, God chose to throw in a little extra encouragement.  We went to get Ava's physical for the adoption and our family doctor was SO encouraging.  He's traveled to Haiti multiple times and tears literally came to my eyes when he said, "I cannot think of a better family to adopt.  I am so happy to fill out these forms and I hope the process is much shorter than imagined.  I can't wait to meet your new child."

It was small, but huge.  He probably was taken back at my tears, but to have the man who assesses my children regularily and has gotten to know us over the last two years throw in such a wonderful vote of confidence blessed my heart immensly.  Thank God for all the little ways he cares for my heart.  AND even though lessons sometimes sting a little, even though it's humbling to sometimes find myself so easily shaken, I am so very thankful for the Potter who knows exactly what he's making of me, his little cracked pot;)