Thursday, September 26, 2013

Reality is sometimes hard to swallow.

Today was our hardest day yet, though still filled with many good moments.

Christian is indeed grieving and requiring a few more cuddles.  This is very hard for my other children.  I realized it was hard because we've had some whining and neediness.  Yesterday, Chloe asked me to hold her and asked a lot of questions about why Christian doesn't have a mama and why we can't go to his house instead of this one, etc.  She was definitely having trouble sharing mama and processing what having a new brother means,  but today she came unhinged.  She was so off, out of sorts, inconsolable that we took her to the doctor.  I was certain she must have an ear infection.  She is absolutely 100% physically healthy.  I mean the doctor didn't even say, "It looks like she has some fluid in her ears, she's probably not feeling very well, a cold is coming."  Nope, not even a little physical explanation.  The girl was just having a complete melt down.  It's very hard to meet everyone's needs.  With the move so recent, it breaks my heart that she was struggling to such a degree.  She was MUCH better this evening and said she felt happy, so I am thankful she was able to "bounce back" but it hurt my heart.

We went to the park after her morning melt down to give the kids a change of pace.  It is just a neighborhood park, the day was gorgeous and with most people in school, we knew it would be vacant.

 It definitely helped Chloe kind of change gears

 and Phin always love being at the park with his Papa.

 Christian was excited as soon as we pulled up.  He was SO happy though cautious at first.

But soon he got the hang of it....

He loved the slide and swings...

Then, folks, I made a huge mistake.  We've been playing chase a lot in the house and yard and Christian loves it.  I started running to have him chase me and he PANICKED.  I will never forget the look on his face.  It was sheer panic and terror.  He thought I was running away and leaving him, I guess.  He had a look like he was going to wail, but NO sound came out.  Just shock, frozen in shock.  He didn't play too much thereafter, he just clung to me.  Soon we went home.  

It wasn't a purposeful move, of course, but we were in a strange place and as well as he looks like he's doing, it was a reminder that the trauma is right under the surface.  He is doing SO well, but he is vulnerable.  

He bounced right back.  He was a bit whiny at naptime for the first time with me, but very calm at bedtime.  He slept through the night again last night, so I am hopeful tonight will be the same.

We are definitely in a fragile place.  As wonderful as it's going for the most part, the balance for each of the kids is precarious.  Please continue to lift us up in prayer.  We are having so many wonderful moments and we are thankful, but today had some really tough ones and my heart just feels sad for the hurt my kiddos are experiencing.  Chloe is losing baby status and that is hard.  I know she'll be okay, but it is hard to see the moments where hurt or confusion over takes her.  Christian is definitely embracing our life.  I know he feels safe with us and he expresses so much joy, but he is also missing his friends and caregivers from the creche, missing what he's known his whole life.  I can't make that easy for him and I wish I could.  

Tomorrow is a new day, we embrace whatever it holds, knowing it's all part of the transition.  We would rather the kids express their emotions than suppress them!  God is giving us strength and grace and we are so thankful for support and prayers!!!


  1. much love and continued prayers for all of you, friend... xo

  2. thanks for sharing your highs and lows. it's really helping me to get an idea of what to expect when we bring morino home. I think you're doing great!