Stillness

Stillness...true stillness.  I am so not good at stillness.  I like time to myself, but I usually fill it with a book, computer time, watching a moving, taking a nap.  I am not good at just being- my mind races, it's hard to settle, hard to be still.  Yet, I think the still small voice of God is audible only in that space of stillness.

We are really struggling at the moment with how to parent our oldest.  I've been reading books and trying to learn "how to" do this right.  Trying to handle it on my own.  In the past couple weeks, God's really been showing us we can't.  He's also showing us He can.  He's really been calling me, especially to stillness, to listening to Him, to examining my heart before Him, to leaning on Him completely for wisdom and strength.  He is her Creator.  He knows exactly what she needs.  What comfort!

I've pulled back from ministries, obligations, busyness and am entering a season of intentional slowness and stillness.  I like simplicity but he's calling me to more than I am comfortable with:)  He is giving me the opportunity to observe, to be, to really study my child and gain insight into her heart.  He is giving me time to pray with her and for her in new ways.  It is hard and will be hard because at times I will feel alone, I will feel life is mundane, I will itch to be out and about, but I am so excited for this season.  It is so clear to me that he is at work in her, in me, in all of us.  She is uber sensitive and insecure at the moment.  She's always been sensitive, the insecurities are new.  Some resulting from difficulties in friendships at school that are resolved, but have left her unsure of herself.  She is fragile and we can see it so clearly in ways she's acting out.  We have an opportunity here and God is so clearly showing us that opportunity.  I don't want to squander it.  I want to listen and allow God to show me how to help mold her in the fragility, how to point her towards him.  I just know this season is preparing us for the fragility our adopted child will also be in.  It's hard, as growth often is, but it's exciting.

I want Ava to look back at this time and remember the fragility but also remember God's love and provision to her. I want her to remember being supported, loved, and taught by her parents.  I want to cherish these moments as difficult and frustrating as they can be, when she is fragile and still looks to us as her source of help.  What influence we have.  What power in her life.  Oh Lord, may we use that influence in ways that point her to her need for you, to the freedom you provide!!