My mental murmurings

I am pregnant. It is a big "no, no" to tell you that because I am only five weeks along. My husband and I aren't really status quo folks though. I am processing a lot right now, what better place to do it than on a blog that the whole world can read. :)

I am excited to be pregnant. I actually like pregnancy once I get past week 20 or so. You know the sex of the baby and by that time I have been done puking (I am not one of those lucky "vomit only in first trimester" people. Pregnancy is the only time my stomach is ever firm and I have always just really loved the pregnant body. Plus after nursing two kids, I'm looking forward to having my boobs take on shape once again.

I am excited to have a third baby. I love my kids immensly and have learned to embrace the chaos that sometimes exists in our home. I would love for Ava to have a sister or Phin to have a brother. I'd love to see an even different charming combination of Marc and me, and get to experience partaking in God's work of creation.

I am also flippin' terrified. I have had two miscarriages. When you have only had two births, as well, you are just as familiar with the feeling of realizing you lost your baby as you are with the feeling of giving birth. I get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I change or go to the bathroom, so fearful that I may see blood and know history is repeating itself. In order to cope, I kind of disconnect from the whole thing and don't remember I am even pregnant until I try to eat and feel nauseated all over.

I can't even let myself think too much about what will happen if we have a baby like Phin was. Our life was so difficult for five months. I literally look back and wonder how I survived. If you have never had a long stretch of sleep deprivation, just trust me- it is excruciating. Phin used to wake up 6 or so times a night. When you live on sleep stretches that are an hour and a half long at most, you really are barely living. There's no way to prepare yourself for that and it is solely by God's mercy that we survived. I have to trust that He'll carry us through again if we have to walk that road, but I can't even bring myself to imagine that road could actually be ahead once again.

I also get freaked out about having THREE kids to manage. I am doing okay with two. I like my life. We are in a good groove. What are we thinking by adding a third munchkin to the mix! Are we INSANE?! We will be outnumbered!! I can only imagine that the occasonal bad day will come with increasing frequency. And what about babysitters? Is it hard to find a sitter to watch three kids? How much do you have to pay someone to take that on? Will we ever get alone time again?

See? Processing a lot and I imagine we will be processing a lot for a long, long time...atleast in a few weeks we'll hopefully get to see a strong quick little heart beat. That will go a long way to appease my mind...