It's the little things

I have no problem with big crises.  They are obviously huge things I can't handle and I quickly jump into "trust God" mode.  I probably even have a bit of pride about this, if I am honest.  Water coming through my ceiling?  The first thing I said was, "we are going to trust God and praise him cuz he allowed this."  I mean I am just such an incredible woman, right?

No, I am dense.  The big things are like huge pot holes.  They are obvious and I can spot them a mile away and KNOW I can't handle it.  I mean no one is meant to handle those things, so there is not shame in jumping right into the "give it over to God" mode.  It's little things that get me every time.  It's like driving on a rode they are preparing to pave.  There are no potholes, but tons of minuscule rubble. You keep driving on it, cuz there are no warning signs, it's a minor inconvenience.  It shakes the car a bit, but it's over before you know it.  You can handle it, your car can handle it.

Only...I can't handle it.  Cuz it's annoying when the car vibrates.  I only THINK I can handle it and it is never over quite as quick as you assume it will be....and often when you stop and look at the car you realized all that rubble dented and scratched the paint and if you don't attend to it, you can get a rust problem.   I believe the lie that I can handle it....and then find myself a anxious mess and wonder what went wrong.

God is trying to rid me of that self deception- the lie that I can handle little things.  I can't.  I get grumpy and annoyed and usually my kids or my husbands are the ones who get the short end of the stick.  I lash out with my tongue or with a short fuse for normal childish behavior.  "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" it says in Proverbs...so when my words have edge or when I raise my voice, it isn't a vocal problem it's a heart problem.  My heart is easily overwhelmed.  I get stressed easier than I like to admit.  I can't handle things as easily as I tell myself I can and then there is internal chaos.

God has been allowing lots of this.  The big things in life have been there and I am sure they have affected me on some level, but it isn't what really has been raking me over the coals, it's the little things.  The temper tantrums from my little one, the mess of the house, the paper work of the new homestudy, the juggling of appointments without good childcare, etc.  I can do it, right?  Wrong.  I am stressed.  I plan and I control and it doesn't work and I inevitably am grumpy.  I am not so capable, not so accomplished, at all.  I need help and lots of it.  I pray about the big things, but I find myself mentally "figuring out" the little ones.

It's been so busy my time of prayer and journaling with the Lord has been a struggle and it's evident in my life.  I can't juggle it all, I can't "figure it all out" and fix it.  I know that God cares about my details and I know he is allowing a lot of them so I put into practice what I preach.  I need to quite "figuring it out", quit organizing and fixing and striving and controlling and just pray, just pray and wait.  I know I can trust him with the big things.  I actually know I can trust him with the littles, but I fall prey to believing I don't have to.  I really feel him calling me to trust him with the little ones; I feel him calling me to quit believing the lie that I can and should handle these on my own.

"Trust in the LORD with ALL your heart and lean NOT on your OWN understanding.  In ALL your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths."  Prov. 3:5-6

I memorized that verse when I was very little...and yet I feel him calling me to learn it a new.  To trust him in a deeper, fuller, more encompassing way.  I like to be capable and I feel him freeing me from that image of myself...calling me to trust and abide.   I can't do my life.  Three kids really is two much for me and number four is coming.  He didn't call me to four children so I could show the world my awesome mothering skills or how capable and organized I am.  He called me to this so in my weakness he could show his strength.  He's preparing me, molding me, showing me there is more of me to surrender, more of me to refine for his glory.  He keeps showing me there is stuff I have to hand over, he sometimes has to pry open my fingers to prove to me I really am hanging onto something, and yet EVERY time I surrender, give something over to him, something so little I falsely believe it couldn't possible matter, I feel such peace, such rest.  EVERY time I wonder what took me so long...

Life with Jesus is a journey.  He doesn't let us stay stuck.  If we follow him on the path to freedom, to life.  There is lots of letting go, lots of confronting my own weakness, sometimes we can't see ahead and it's scary.  But freedom has been bought.  He is trustworthy.  We can't see two inches in front of us, can't see beyond the little things sometimes and yet if I keep my eyes on him and just obey and follow, he leads me beside the still waters and restores my soul JUST as he promised.