Stretched and Strained

Being a mommy of three is still taking some getting used to. Some days are really hard and chaotic and other days are a breeze. This morning was one of the really hard, chaotic ones.

I remembered going to bed last night that Ava has picture day today at school. There wasn't much I could do about it then, other than to realize I had to get right up and going this morning. Some poor planning had parents' night last night at school, which involved the kids. Ava and Marc got home after her bedtime, so I doubt we would have bathed her anyway, but still, the lack of clean hair meant I had to wash and dry her hair this morning.

Chloe is still pretty sick and we had a rough night. Morning came far too early today! But sleep deprived or not, I was determined to make Ava's picture day special. I fed Chloe and then I quickly picked an outift for Ava while She ate breakfast. Then she got in the shower to wash up and finally we dried her hair. Her hair is to the small of her back, so drying it took a bit longer than I anticipated. Having curls was really important to her. I knew time was limited but I also wanted to make sure she felt good on picture day.

She has straight hair- really straight and really long. Curling her hair took FOR-EVER. About halfway through the process, Chloe began to cry. I tried putting her in the bouncer where she could see Ava and I but she didn't calm. I felt so torn as a mom. My oldest child wanted her hair curled for the one picture day of the year at school- it was half way done. My youngest child is sick and wanted to be held. My husband was in the shower so he could take Ava to school for me. What should I do?!

I chose to finish Ava's hair. I knew Chloe was safe, etc. but standing 5 feet from her with her looking at me and wailing was heartbreaking. I consciously had to chose one child over the other for that time period. I was trying to do the right thing, but still it felt wrong. AHH!

These are the moments that make motherhood difficult. I don't want my oldest to feel jipped because she is the most self sufficient of my children. I want her to know her mommy is there for her. I didn't want her leaving for school feeling like she got discarded the moment her sister started wailing. I hope I made the right decision, but it was all the harder because Chloe is sick. I am one person and yet have three (four including Marc) people that really need me. So many people tell me to make sure I am also taking care of myself...on days like today that seems laughable. I cannot do it all, so often I have to put myself last because these little children have real needs that cannot wait. These are the hard days, the really hard ones.

This morning as I nursed Chloe to sleep (after the hair was completed) I found myself daydreaming. I was thinking about how wonderful it would be if Marc came home from work tonight and said, "I know things have been really hard on you. I hired a lady to help you every morning. She'll be starting on Monday. She'll cook, clean, or watch the kids, whatever you need." I had to take those thoughts CAPTIVE! I can't be disappointed at 5pm because I started to let my mind wander down an absurd path;) I was looking for someone to save me and forgetting I already have Savior. He has promised to be my strength when I am weak; he promised to provide for all my needs; he asks me to cast my cares upon him and let him carry me. He may not be coming at 9am on Monday morning to take away all my responsibilities, but he's here right now and always to give me wisdom in how to raise my children and prioritize and to fill me with strength that can only come from his hand.